Money Players

George Carlin, RIP

Tim Russert and now George Carlin. Totally depressing. At least there's laughter to drown our sorrows.

A few great lines from Carlin:

• Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
• Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
• Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Carlin spoke out against the United States government for its treatment of Muhammad Ali for avoiding the draft. Said Carlin: "[Ali] said, 'No, that's where I draw the line. I'll beat 'em up, but I don't want to kill 'em.' And the government said, 'Well, if you won't kill people, we won't let you beat 'em up.'"

25th Aniversary of the best rant ever

Chicago Cub manager Lee Elia going off on the Wrigley Field bums is the most poetic rant of all time As a kid growing up in Chicago, I could recite the Pledge of Allegiance and this:

They are really behind you around here. My f------ a--. What the f--- am I supposed to do? Go out there and let my f------ players get destroyed everyday? And be quiet about it? For the nickel dime people that show up.  The mother f------ don't even work. That's why they are out at the f------- game. They outta go out and get a f------- job and find out what it's like to go and earn a f------ living. 85% of the f------ world is world is working. The other 15% come out here.

Warning: This is the version without 10,000 bleeps.

Lee Elia is an underrated orator. Perhaps lost in the torrent of F bomb is some very skillfully delivered arguments."Right now, we have more losses than we have wins. The f------- changes that have happened in the Cubs organization are multifold. Alright, they don't show because we're 5-14. Unfortunately, that's the criteria [pronounced criterier] of them dumb 15 mother------- percent that come out to day baseball."

Beyond the F bombs, Elia had a pretty simple, sound view of baseball: "The name of the game is hit the ball, catch the ball and get the f----- job done."

UPDATE: Chicago Trib writer Teddy Greenstein looks back, including a great Sportsphone reference...as a kid I would call that 976# every 15 minutes to get score updates, much to my mother's chagrin. Jeff Davis, a good friend who wrote detailed biographies of Pete Rozelle and Papa Bear, was then Channel 5's sports producer. Davis recalls: "I never heard anyone go off like that with that kind of language. And I was in the Navy."

Let the Madness begin

It's NCAA Tourny time. Three great weeks of college basketball players providing one many shining moments. There is much to to get excited about. But first, let's not forget that there are more than few "self anointed incorrigible cynics" who continue to focus on the negative aspects of college sports. Yahoo!'s Dan Wetzel writes about the hypocrisy. It's March Madness, so you know we're going to hear from some of the stark, raving mad members of the Drake Group. Here's Drakie Allen Sack wondering whether college athletes should be paid. And I still remember my friend wasting my time last year one trying to convince me that amateurism is a myth.

I wish people would stop complaining about how unfair the system is for college athletes and focus on the wonderful moments of March Madness. Forget what the mainstream media says. Stephen Colbert, surely a more credible journalist, once said: "The NCAA basketball tournament has everything I like: corporate sponsorship, unpaid labor and blind partisan allegiance." Amen!

Here are my Tournament predictions:

Final Four
UNC
Kansas
Michigan St.
UCLA

And UCLA beating UNC in the Championship game. And Dick Vitale will somehow convince Michael Beasley, OJ Mayo and Kevin Love to all return for their Sophomore seasons. Anyone want to bet that I am wrong?

Worker fraud feature on March Madness on Demand

College hoop fanatics slash lazy employees can rejoice: The "Boss Button," a feature on CBS Sportsline's March Madness on Demand that helps employees conceal the fact that they are not doing their jobs, is back by popular demand.

Originally posted March 18, 2007

For years employment consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas has put out estimates that March Madness costs businesses ridiculous money in lost productivity. The 2007 estimate is $1.2 billion.

Recognizing that not every college-basketball obsessed fan is equipped with a TV in their office, CBS created NCAA March Madness on Demand.

Problems: You want to watch college hoops, not work. CBS needs ratings. You don't want to get fired. Solution: CBS, with the NCAA's blessing plausible deniability, devised the "Boss Button."

Here's how it works: You hear footsteps...you hit the "Boss Button" and the Madness stops. And a nifty-looking, although phony, spreadsheet instantly appears. Whew, that was a close call!

CBS touts the worker fraud feature in a recent press release:

“Boss Button” — Back by popular demand, the “Boss Button” is the one feature every MMOD user in the workplace should know about. One click of the “Boss Button” and the live video action on the screen will be replaced by a silent readymade spread sheet!

What will they think of next? The "proctor button" for student athletes not interested in studying?

NCAA passes the Erin Rule?

In this week's Sports Illustrated, Dan Patrick has a great exchange with Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl:

Patrick: [You] can't be putting your hands on Erin Andrews at halftime, coach.
Pearl: Erin is a terrific sideline reporter....I actually called her and texted her back, and I apologized if in any way that was unprofessional.
Patrick: Is texting her an NCAA violation?
Pearl: No, she's not a prospect.
Patrick: Oh, yes, she is.
Pearl: She's way out of my league when it comes to that category.

As in Erin's good looks matched up against Pearl's? Or as in he's old enough to be Erin's father?

The interview ends on a fascinating note:

Patrick: When was the last time you accidentally broke an NCAA rule?
Pearl: Probably sometime in this conversation.

This answer can be parsed two ways. One, Bruce Pearl is using simple logic: Time, say, 10 minutes has elapsed during this interview. Ergo, Pearl must have broken some rule in the War and Peace version of the NCAA Manual. Or, two, Pearl is referring to the Erin Andrews Rule, a little known bylaw recently passed by the NCAA that says that no coach will have impure thoughts about Erin and/or contemplate whether he is or isn't in her "category." Come on coach, show some institutional control!

I love Coach Pearl. Mostly because he doesn't take himself too seriously. And because when he was an Iowa assistant coach in the late 1980s, Pearl provided a glimpse into the sometimes seedy world of recruiting, which at the time was considered career suicide. (A great google find: the purported memo sent by Pearl to the NCAA alleging recruiting improprieties by Illinois.)

While on the subject of this week's SI, Grant Wahl writes a fantastic piece on Tyler Hansbrough, SI's college basketball player of the year. (Great summary of Psycho-T's game by Roy Williams: "It's like sumo wrestling followed by George Gervin's finger roll.") Last week, Grant wrote on what's wrong with college basketball. Answer: Abusive fans. Tyler Hansbrough represents everything that is right.

Ich bin ein Anteater

By Marc Isenberg, UC Irvine (MBA, class of 2005)

UC Irvine athletics is on a hot streak. In May the men's volleyball team won the NCAA Championship. The baseball team advanced to the College World Series. After losing the first game, the Anteaters went on to win two thrilling extra-inning games before getting eliminated last night. Everybody is rooting these days for the Anteaters, even President Bush, who said "Go Anteaters. Fight Anteaters." Unfortunately, Bush's enthusiasm was about a 1 on the  "Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job" meter.

As the Los Angeles Times reported, Omaha really got behind the Anteaters:

Vendors all over Omaha have been cashing in on Anteater hype. Ashley Grover was at a merchandise stand near the stadium selling hats, shirts and other memorabilia Wednesday afternoon. One shirt had pictures of an anteater and a beaver. Written on it was "BEAVER or EATER, who's going down?"

"Cashing in on Anteater hype"? Really? I think the example illustrates (almost too graphically) that tshirts with double (actually triple) entendres sell, but nice work by the Times writers to sneak this by their editors.

The more people know about the Anteaters, the better our world will be. For your consideration. And this.

Go Zots!

NY Giant fan stuck in the 90s

The Star-Ledger reported that the ex-wife of Giant defensive end Michael Strahan held a yard sale over the weekend. After a nasty divorce hopefully this everything-must-go sale won't cheapen their memories. Going once, twice. Two television sets sold to Giant fan Jamal Callaway. Price: $100. The reporter then asked if the televisions were flat screens. Callaway replied (Suggestion: give a deadpanned reading for full effect): "She's not that mad at him."

Roy Williams won't drink the Kool Aid...

...but he will pour Coke reluctantly into a Dasani cup.

According to the Charlotte Observer's Scott Fowler, Williams grumbled, "Everybody pay attention. Kids are getting killed in a foreign country and people are worried about me putting drinks in an NCAA-sponsored cup."

Roy is probably my favorite college basketball coach.  Roy doesn't give a flip that he's biting the two hands that feed -- and refresh -- him, the NCAA and Coke (which owns Dasani).

But Roy doesn't see the connection: If we don't support NCAA sponsors, we're supporting terrorists. Victory begins at home!

More flipping fun...
Roy Williams Strikes Back A hilarious cartoon by the Charlotte Observer's Grey Blackwell

Worker fraud feature on March Madness on Demand

By Marc Isenberg

For years employment consulting firm Challenger, Gray & Christmas has put out estimates that March Madness costs businesses ridiculous money in lost productivity. The 2007 estimate is $1.2 billion.

Recognizing that not every college-basketball obsessed fan is equipped with a TV in their office, CBS created NCAA March Madness on Demand.

Problems: You want to watch college hoops, not work. CBS needs ratings. You don't want to get fired. Solution: CBS, with the NCAA's blessing plausible deniability, devised the "Boss Button."

Here's how it works: You hear footsteps...you hit the "Boss Button" and the Madness stops. And a nifty-looking, although phony, spreadsheet instantly appears. Whew, that was a close call!

CBS touts the worker fraud feature in a recent press release:

“Boss Button” — Back by popular demand, the “Boss Button” is the one feature every MMOD user in the workplace should know about. One click of the “Boss Button” and the live video action on the screen will be replaced by a silent readymade spread sheet!

What will they think of next? The "proctor button" for student athletes not interested in studying?